The Last Letter
by game-on-panda
Summary: What makes you willing to fight god for the chance to walk away? A last letter from fShepard.


_Disclaimer: All character names, locations and plot elements are the property of Bioware and Electronic Arts (EA) Games. 'Mass Effect' and all related characters are the sole property of these entities. This is a fan-written fiction_

_I wanted to write what I suppose I could describe as a soliloquy; just a stream of thoughts that I feel might reflect a character's emotions. In this case, this is a female Shepard. I'll leave it up to you to guess who she's writing to._

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><p><em>Please burn up this sin when I'm gone<em>

- Cold

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><p>Love.<p>

It's the worst feeling in the world.

It's the feeling that twists you up inside and makes you wonder if, perhaps, in another time and place, you might have touched the face of god because you had someone you loved. You wonder if, perhaps, that's what love really is. I had a friend once who believed that god was in the world around us, in the stars, in the planets, and that the people we lost along the way were watching us from the afterlife. I don't know if any of that is true, but I believe that I've earned my small measure of peace.

It isn't easy, writing this out, now. I know you'll see this when I'm gone, and you'll hate me, you'll curse my name, and then you'll mourn me, because that's the kind of person you are. You'll mourn me by killing everything in your path. You'll mourn me proper.

I'll never forget the things I've done. I have the blood of countless people on my hands. They'll put more on me the farther we push into this. It's not the end that frightens me; it's the method. I had a first chance; it faded in a burst of vacuum and oxygen.

I lost my life and they gave it back, but they didn't fix everything. They didn't take my memories, and they couldn't stop me from reaching out for the one thing that I needed. I needed you, even if you didn't know it until I stopped you from committing a mistake that would have destroyed you. I wouldn't allow you to become the thing you hated above all others.

So I stopped you.

You forgave me for my action. You reached out a hand. I took it, because there was nothing else I ever wanted.

Love.

It makes you do stupid things.

It's the stupid things that make life worth living. I like to think that we did our share. You followed me, you watched out for me, and you made life worth living.

There's nothing else that I can say. There's nothing else you can know. Just know that when this is all over, and if I'm still alive, that there's nothing they can do. They can scream, they can cry, they can weep all they want. They can wave their damned pitchforks, their guns, and their flags. They can do anything they want to do to me, but they'll never touch you.

You're sleeping beside me now. It's the last time I'll see your face until this is over. You'll hate me when you wake up and find this beside you. You'll throw on your armor, grab your gun, and you'll chase after me.

And maybe, if you make it in time, I'll hold out my hand and I'll drag you aboard. I'll tell you to stay with me, because there's only you. There's nothing else in this universe that can compare to you and what you mean.

Love.

It makes you invincible.

It makes you hold out your arms to the sky and it makes you scream that you're the master of your destiny, the spinner of your own fate, the dealer of your cards. It's how you are. You took no chances with anyone or anything. You gave me your hand when I needed it most, and I took it because there was nothing else I could do. I took your hand, and I accepted your offer, and we were the same as we once were.

Love.

Love makes you ready to look the devil in the face.

It makes you ready to fight god for the right to walk away.

Love.

It makes you do stupid things.

It makes you ready to fight, to battle, until there is nothing left but your spirit and the bullets and the pain. Even then, you'll keep moving, because there is nothing else. I promise you this much: when I end this, I will see your face. When I die, if I die, it is for you. You gave me a shoulder, you gave me warmth; you gave me peace and hope. I told you truths and you never questioned them. You gave me a reason to _want_ to go on, to keep fighting, even when every single person was against me.

When my oldest friends turned on me, you were there. The only one who mattered. We made promises that neither of us could keep, but we'd try our damnedest to make them real.

I loved you.

There was never a truth so real as that.

And perhaps I should say it to your face, but I'll just have to hope that you come back to me, that you walk back into my life. If I die, it's for you. I walked the line for you, as the old song says. Everything I'm doing in the next few hours, it all comes down to you.

Love makes you want to save the one you need above all others.

If I die, I want you to live.

You can't die, because I don't want to live if you're gone.

So if I die, you need to walk away. You need to walk down that road, your head high, your arms at your sides and you need to promise me that you will _live_. There's nothing so horrible that you cannot walk through. You were the only one, the strongest person I knew, and you walked through hell and back with me. You were the only one.

Love.

Love makes you reckless.

It makes you stupid.

It makes you invincible.

Love makes you strong enough to fight god.

I can't walk away from this. I can't walk away from you and the marks you left on my soul. I can't walk down the road unless you're with me.

In my first life, I was never loved. I knew affection, and I knew the beauty of a gentle touch, but I was never loved. I was never the one whom they reached out for.

In this life, I knew love.

Love.

It's worth dying for.

It's worth everything.

Love.

If I die, I'll find a way back. You wait for me, and I'll find my way back. I'll fight god himself if I have to. If I die this day, then know that I did it for you. I died so that you would live.

Love.

If you knew how much I loved you.

I'll stop now.

Love.

I'll stop writing, because if I don't, then I'll never leave. I'll never step out that door and into the light. I'll never do it. I want to stay here, with you, and if we go, we go together, but it can't be this way.

I'm going now.

I'll leave this beside you.

If you wake up and catch me before I go, then I'll know what the end brings.

Love.

It makes you stupid.

It makes you do stupid things.

I love you.

I'll leave this here. When you wake up, you'll find it.

I'll wait for you as long as I can.

Love.

Love is strength. Love is poison. It's death and dying and it's life and living.

And I love you.

And I'll wait as long as I can.

Love…

_S_


End file.
